Ok. So hear it goes. We’re all friends here right? Let me share my SPANX story with you but don’t tell anyone, it’s pretty embarrassing.
So me and my boyfriend are going out to celebrate our 3 year anniversary (I know, what’s his hold up, right)? and I want to look nice.
I buy a beautiful red body hugging sweater dress and knee high boots.
Sounds great. right?
Well, since I am no longer 20 something, I need some tummy control and decide to purchase a full body SPANX.
On the way home with my purchase I begin to think of what I will do when I have to go to the ladies room.
Getting completely nude in a bar bathroom every hour doesn’t sound like fun and besides it takes me about 10 minutes to get all of me in the stupid SPANX and by the time I get everything where it needs to be, I am in need of an inhaler, oxygen and a nap!
Anyway, I decide to go home and cut the crotch out so that I won’t have to disrobe in order to use the ladies room.
Imagine my surprise and delight when I discovered my SPANX already had an opening for just this thing!
So I’m out and nature calls. I head to the ladies room and pull down my hose which are putting up a fight because they are clinging to the SPANK.
I now go in search of this opening that I saw earlier and find that whatever sick, demented, woman hating, sadist that invented this torture device hasn’t strategically place the opening nor have they made it large enough to feel secure about whether or not I am safe in relieving myself without doing so all over my SPANX and myself.
I now discover that the only way to insure a dry outcome is to reach around behind myself.
Did I mention that I’m not in my 20’s anymore)? find the edge of this opening and pull back, while at the same time, using my other hand to hold it open.
Now, I have to bend over forward until my head is almost touching the floor and my derrière is sticking up in the air to insure that gravity does its’ part!
Did I mention my boots have a six inch heel and I’m not in my 20’s anymore?
I now do my business with the blood rushing to my head and praying that somehow this all works out.
When finished, the hose were removed and thrown in the trash. I had enough to deal with already!
This show went on all evening.
I have learned something from this experience, SPANX make a fabulous field sobriety test and self control device!
I told my boyfriend, “I can’t drink much because I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to pull off a successful bathroom trip if I drink one too many. (Which in this case was more than 2 drinks the entire evening).
His response was, Well, we will know it’s time to go home when you wet on your hand or the SPANX” At the end of the evening he asked, “Who’s driving”? My reply, “That’s easy, I am. There is no possible way that I could be drunk and still dry?!
Ladies keep these types of things in mind before deciding what you will wear on that special evening!
Written by Paula who blogs at organizewithdiy.com