Let Me Share My Spanx Story With You

Credit - Figleaves

Credit – Figleaves

Ok. So hear it goes. We’re all friends here right? Let me share my SPANX story with you but don’t tell anyone, it’s pretty embarrassing.

So me and my boyfriend are going out to celebrate our 3 year anniversary (I know, what’s his hold up, right)? and I want to look nice.

I buy a beautiful red body hugging sweater dress and knee high boots.

Sounds great. right?

Well, since I am no longer 20 something, I need some tummy control and decide to purchase a full body SPANX.

On the way home with my purchase I begin to think of what I will do when I have to go to the ladies room.

Getting completely nude in a bar bathroom every hour doesn’t sound like fun and besides it takes me about 10 minutes to get all of me in the stupid SPANX and by the time I get everything where it needs to be, I am in need of an inhaler, oxygen and a nap!

Anyway, I decide to go home and cut the crotch out so that I won’t have to disrobe in order to use the ladies room.

Imagine my surprise and delight when I discovered my SPANX already had an opening for just this thing!

So I’m out and nature calls. I head to the ladies room and pull down my hose which are putting up a fight because they are clinging to the SPANK.

I now go in search of this opening that I saw earlier and find that whatever sick, demented, woman hating, sadist that invented this torture device hasn’t strategically place the opening nor have they made it large enough to feel secure about whether or not I am safe in relieving myself without doing so all over my SPANX and myself.

I now discover that the only way to insure a dry outcome is to reach around behind myself.

Did I mention that I’m not in my 20’s anymore)? find the edge of this opening and pull back, while at the same time, using my other hand to hold it open.

Now, I have to bend over forward until my head is almost touching the floor and my derrière is sticking up in the air to insure that gravity does its’ part!

Did I mention my boots have a six inch heel and I’m not in my 20’s anymore?

I now do my business with the blood rushing to my head and praying that somehow this all works out.

When finished, the hose were removed and thrown in the trash. I had enough to deal with already!

This show went on all evening.

I have learned something from this experience, SPANX make a fabulous field sobriety test and self control device!

I told my boyfriend, “I can’t drink much because I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to pull off a successful bathroom trip if I drink one too many. (Which in this case was more than 2 drinks the entire evening).

His response was, Well, we will know it’s time to go home when you wet on your hand or the SPANX” At the end of the evening he asked, “Who’s driving”? My reply, “That’s easy, I am. There is no possible way that I could be drunk and still dry?!

Ladies keep these types of things in mind before deciding what you will wear on that special evening!

Written by Paula who blogs at organizewithdiy.com 

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  1. Pemberley says

    This is yet another reason why being a cheapskate is better. I got an Spanx knock-off at Wal-Mart, and they actually have hooks on the crotch, like the hooks on your bra strap. You unhook it, the whole thing separates, you do your business, rehook it, and off you go.

  2. says

    how about just be confortible with your body or if you are not then do something to get in shape instead of using things like this to hide the true you perhaps you should have peed all over your self that would have made this story worth reading

    • TallyDawn says

      It doesn’t matter what kind of body is woman have we will never be satisfied with it! It’s just a little confidence booster we all use to make us feel good!

  3. Ash says

    I was going out shopping this weekend to buy some but now I won’t be…by the way I did have a chuckle sorry :P

  4. says

    haha! you are a hoot, Emma. thanks for the share. great humor and attitude. go GO girl! (if you want something else that brings confidence under your outfit..although in a different way…see me.. I promise, no contortions needed. Love ya! — @PortaPocketGal (www.portapocket.com)

  5. kerri says

    Freakin hillarious n educational at the same time. Thanks so much for sharing… hopefully I dont piss myself from laughing n I dont even own spanx

  6. says

    This is very funny and entertaining. It reminded me of my mom and her 1950's girdle type swimsuit! I had two sisters and it took all of us just to stuff, squeeze and pray my sweaty chubby mother into that beastly thing. If you accidently pinched her while trying your best to extract your fingers out of harms way, you were whacked! ( It was legal then). I hope you keep writing Emma….you're great!

  7. says

    To the mother who ask whats wrong with your son.1.he sounds autistic and has adhd .you need to contact national autism society,find a neurologists that handles pediatric autistic patients.

  8. Rosie says

    Lmao! This made me nearly pee my pants! I know how hard spanx can be I only had the shorts that go right under your boobs well I put my bra on to secure them in place while they were over the top of my tights and knickers for my Son’s christening. 5glasses of champers later dying for a wee needed it so badly I couldn’t find the top of my spanxs ended up pulling them right over ripping my tights and pulling my pants over and omg the mess! I was half drunk and luckily had a spare dress with me

  9. Lynn Bomaster says

    Hilarious! I can't imagine trying to squeeze myself into the full body suit I have just the underwear type things that come up to your rib cage and squeeze all your breath out and those are bad enough lol


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