Let Me Share My Spanx Story With You

Credit - Figleaves

Credit – Figleaves

Ok. So hear it goes. We’re all friends here right? Let me share my SPANX story with you but don’t tell anyone, it’s pretty embarrassing.

So me and my boyfriend are going out to celebrate our 3 year anniversary (I know, what’s his hold up, right)? and I want to look nice.

I buy a beautiful red body hugging sweater dress and knee high boots.

Sounds great. right?

Well, since I am no longer 20 something, I need some tummy control and decide to purchase a full body SPANX.

On the way home with my purchase I begin to think of what I will do when I have to go to the ladies room.

Getting completely nude in a bar bathroom every hour doesn’t sound like fun and besides it takes me about 10 minutes to get all of me in the stupid SPANX and by the time I get everything where it needs to be, I am in need of an inhaler, oxygen and a nap!

Anyway, I decide to go home and cut the crotch out so that I won’t have to disrobe in order to use the ladies room.

Imagine my surprise and delight when I discovered my SPANX already had an opening for just this thing!

So I’m out and nature calls. I head to the ladies room and pull down my hose which are putting up a fight because they are clinging to the SPANK.

I now go in search of this opening that I saw earlier and find that whatever sick, demented, woman hating, sadist that invented this torture device hasn’t strategically place the opening nor have they made it large enough to feel secure about whether or not I am safe in relieving myself without doing so all over my SPANX and myself.

I now discover that the only way to insure a dry outcome is to reach around behind myself.

Did I mention that I’m not in my 20′s anymore)? find the edge of this opening and pull back, while at the same time, using my other hand to hold it open.

Now, I have to bend over forward until my head is almost touching the floor and my derrière is sticking up in the air to insure that gravity does its’ part!

Did I mention my boots have a six inch heel and I’m not in my 20′s anymore?

I now do my business with the blood rushing to my head and praying that somehow this all works out.

When finished, the hose were removed and thrown in the trash. I had enough to deal with already!

This show went on all evening.

I have learned something from this experience, SPANX make a fabulous field sobriety test and self control device!

I told my boyfriend, “I can’t drink much because I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to pull off a successful bathroom trip if I drink one too many. (Which in this case was more than 2 drinks the entire evening).

His response was, Well, we will know it’s time to go home when you wet on your hand or the SPANX” At the end of the evening he asked, “Who’s driving”? My reply, “That’s easy, I am. There is no possible way that I could be drunk and still dry?!

Ladies keep these types of things in mind before deciding what you will wear on that special evening!

Written by Paula who blogs at organizewithdiy.com 

About Emma White

Emma White The inspiring mum of 6 who dedicates her time to supporting others. While battling with her own demons she continues to be the voice for others unable to speak out. Mental illness almost destroyed her, yet here she is fighting back and teaching you all the things she has learned along the way. Her controversial yet heartfelt writing has become a lifeline to many.

Comments

  1. Lol this did make me laugh and a fab post xx

  2. Seriously your great at drawing readers in, so funny.

  3. Pmsl sooooo funny it’s something I would do lol xx

  4. This is yet another reason why being a cheapskate is better. I got an Spanx knock-off at Wal-Mart, and they actually have hooks on the crotch, like the hooks on your bra strap. You unhook it, the whole thing separates, you do your business, rehook it, and off you go.

  5. So glad I'm not alone. Now I just take it all off or wear my VS slip that snaps(like baby onesies)

  6. how about just be confortible with your body or if you are not then do something to get in shape instead of using things like this to hide the true you perhaps you should have peed all over your self that would have made this story worth reading

  7. point taken haha love your post x

  8. I was going out shopping this weekend to buy some but now I won’t be…by the way I did have a chuckle sorry :P

  9. haha! you are a hoot, Emma. thanks for the share. great humor and attitude. go GO girl! (if you want something else that brings confidence under your outfit..although in a different way…see me.. I promise, no contortions needed. Love ya! — @PortaPocketGal (www.portapocket.com)

  10. Freakin hillarious n educational at the same time. Thanks so much for sharing… hopefully I dont piss myself from laughing n I dont even own spanx

  11. Jessica Markham :

    Love it lol x

  12. Vicki Koval :

    The picture she paints with her words is gut splitting funny.

  13. LOL I love it…..thankyou for sharing xxx

  14. This is very funny and entertaining. It reminded me of my mom and her 1950's girdle type swimsuit! I had two sisters and it took all of us just to stuff, squeeze and pray my sweaty chubby mother into that beastly thing. If you accidently pinched her while trying your best to extract your fingers out of harms way, you were whacked! ( It was legal then). I hope you keep writing Emma….you're great!

  15. Even them Bridget jones knockers r annoying xx

  16. Knickers lol xx

  17. To the mother who ask whats wrong with your son.1.he sounds autistic and has adhd .you need to contact national autism society,find a neurologists that handles pediatric autistic patients.

  18. I laughed till I cried! So funny!

  19. I laughed till I cried! So funny!

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